Alone

I've never felt more alone in my life

I have this wonderful experience going on in my life

My beautiful baby girl will be here in September

But yet Im so sad

I feel like I have no one to be excited with me

Im doing this all on my own

And I know I can do it

Its just so hard

September 25

Its coming up
September 25
The day you should have been brought into this world
My life changed the day I found out I was pregnant
And my world crashed the day they told me you werent going to make it

How could I lose something I loved so much?
How could your life be gone just like that?

My heart aches everytime I think about it
Everytime I see a baby
A pregnant belly

What do I know
I've never felt such pain
I dont know what to do
or how to move on

I miss you

My mood has been up and down
Round and round
I feel so empty
so sad
Like my heart is empty

I miss "it"
The feeling I had
the love I knew I had found
that real love
A love I knew would have been unconditional
My heart was finally happy
I was happy
a lil worried
but I knew I could make it
that we would make it

And now your gone
I never saw that coming
I had so much planned already
I could already feel you were going to be great
You were my pride and joy
The one thing I always wanted
the one thing I knew I was meant to do
It was finally time for me to be a mother

But your gone
and your never coming back
How can I miss you so much
and never even seen your face
never touched you
never looked into your eyes
Yet I feel empty
You were there and now your gone

How can I move on from something that was here and gone so fast?
Yet I loved you like you had been here for years

I need a Hug

I don't know if this is pregnancy hormones or what
But today I really just feel like I could cry
I feel like everything is just so messed up
and nothing is going the way it should
I'm trying to stay positive but its so hard
I really am trying to not let things get me
But it seems like everything is getting to me
Even the little things

I need a hug..

Just let me Know

Its so obvious you care about me
Anyone can see
But is it that love that will never fade
The type of love you cant live without
I need to know
Sometimes I feel like this couldnt get any better
And other times I think how much worse can it get
See I need you
I want you
I really dont want to live without you
But I need you to feel the same
I need all the games to stop
I need to know you are mine and I am yours
I want us to stay together
Grow old together
have a family
But you gotta let me know..
Are you ready?
Do you feel the same?
Just let me know..

Please Include Me In Your Life

I hate feeling like Im not apart of your life
I feel like you dont include me in anything you do
Yeah its hard cause we are so far away now
But dont lie to me about what you are doing
Because I will always know when you are lying
I just wish this was all different
I wish you were you but just a lil different
I wish you had never lied
I wish there wasnt a sneaky bone in your body
But facts are
there is and you did
You claim there is no more lying going on
But when you lie about the little things
it lets me know you lie about the big things
And I always seem to find out
so why
Why do you do it
You say you want to make this work
But this just isnt working for me
I cant trust you
I dont know how
I used to but you took that away the very second you lied
I dont know how to get that back
I've tired and still am
But I just cant seem to do it
Everything you say in my mind I think LIE
I just wish things were different
I wish you wouldnt lie
and I wish you would try and include me in your life.

Up and Down

Up and down
Round and Round

Some days Im so high
I mean cloud nine high
Almost in heaven

And some days Im so low
Im talkin almost to the earths core

Up and down
Round and Round
Yep, thats us

I cant help but be in love with you
I just want you near

My every dream is about you
and the life I dream of is with you

The smile you put on my face is crazy
And you seem to do it daily

But I also cant help but get mad at you
Somethings you do just really get on my nerves

You always think your right
but not all the time only some of the time

Sometimes you just really get under my skin
And some how I love it

I love every minute with you
I love every second we spend on the phone
Every text message
And everything in between

I just hope we make this last
And I hope we always find away to work things out
Cause without you my world would be blue.

I just dont get it

I don't get it
I really don't understand
Why do I love you so much
I just cant seem to let you go
I want you to be mine and only mine
I hate it when you flirt with other girls
It drives me insane every time I get mad you make me smile
Why
I just don't understand
Why Do I love you this much?
Everyone else is so sure that you and me will never work
And honestly I have no idea if we will or not
But why not try?
Why should I give up when I really don't want to?
I wont.
I wont give up
I'm going to try my hardest to make this work
But you have to try too

Update...

So this one is just going to be an update on my life..

Well Wow how do I start? I found out a couple weeks ago I am having a baby. Yep thats right September 29th is my due date. I am so scared.. But very excited.. Me and the father are trying to make things work but you know how that is.. Only time will tell I guess.. But all in all we are both very happy about.

So from now on.. I will still be doing the poetry thing on here, but from time to time I will be posting pictures of my little one and also blogging on my pregnancy since this is my first one.

If any of you have any stories or advice to give feel free to leave them I would love to hear them.

Thanks.
Mommy To be.. :)

Fool for You

I feel like I have so much to say but nothing to come out
So many thoughts
So many feelings
But I just cant put them into words
I want to yell at you
I want to scream
I want to tell you everything I am thinking
Everything I feel
But it wont matter to you
and what will it change
It will prove nothing to me
and only show you how much of a fool I am for you

How did I get this way
How did it happen yet again
Why do I let people have so much power over me
How can I put someone else before me

I have so much going through my mind
So many questions
So many what ifs
whys, hows, whens, who
And so many damn I told you so's
And yet I just keep asking myself
Why are you still thinking about this man
What did he really do for you
NOTHING
But yet Im sitting here wasting my time worrying about him and our so called relationship we never really had

Tryin

So I have to come to find out things really aren't what they seem to be.
And I should always listen to my gut.
Because why I am over here thinking about you all the time you arent thinking about me.
Im not sure you were ever thinking of me.
Maybe in the beginning when things were new, but now they are old and I guess so am I.
I hate the fact that I can be so naive, or maybe Im not..
Maybe I just convinced myself that things were fine, that they were going to be fine.
But in reality they weren't fine and never will be.
And I have to except that..

So I guess you could say.. Im trying..

........

Why is it I hate everything you do?
Every little word that comes out your mouth drives me nuts!

When your trying to be sincere
I think your full of shit

When you say you miss me
I think your lying

And when you say you love me
I think you don't really mean it

So why is it I hate everything that you do?

Does my love for you make your love for me look so little?
Or is our love so perfect that I'm just searching for reasons to see your a fake?

You cant hate someone and love them at the same time, right?
Because I hate everything about you..

I hate all the things you don't do the most.
But yet I love you so much

So maybe the real question is Why do I love you?

Energy

I've lost all my energy
and I'm mad
I'm mad at myself for letting you do this to me
For letting myself feel so close to you
When in actual reality you know nothing about me

You don't even understand me
That I'm emotional
That I give my all
That you mean everything to me

I'm so mad at myself
For having these feelings
For believing what you said
For wasting my time

And I'm even more mad at myself
For wanting to do it all over again
Because truth is I really love you
And every second I'm with you I feel complete

And now I've lost all my energy
Because I gave it all to you
To get nothing in return

Why

I shouldn't have to convince myself everyday that you love me
What you say and do are two different things
Words have no meaning if there isn't an action coincide with it

How do you expect me to keep doing this?
How can I hold on to something that isn't here
How can I hold on to someone I don't even speak to

Why should I sell myself sort for your words?
Because that's all I have
And I have very few of them

I don't understand how you can love someone
Yet never seem to think of them
And if you do think of me its not shown

So tell me how am I supposed to do this?
How am I to do this alone?

You got another thing comin

I thought the whole point of being in a relationship was so you could share life together: Confide in them, spend time with them, and love them. All of these must go hand-n-hand.

So tell me how is it we have a relationship? You say we've got the love part, but I know there is something lacking. We don't spend a lot of time together and we hardly talk. Your always the first I want to call when anything happens in my life, but I always seem to be the last to know.

So tell me! How does this work? 'Cause if this is your idea of a real relationship then baby you got another thing comin'.

See in my heart I know I love you and I know that I've given all of me to you. But this is supposed to be 50/50 and I've got nothing in return. I get little of your time and very few of your words.

So tell me again how is this supposed to work?

Real love is full-time over-time and I can see your not ready to put in the work. I really hope this isn't your idea of a real relationship. 'Cause if it is then baby you got another thing comin'.

Goodbye

The time is coming when we will have to say goodbye
Goodbye till I see you again

When will I see you again?
Will things change while you are gone?
Will our love start to fade?
Most of all will you find another?

The time is coming when we will have to say goodbye
Goodbye till I see you again

My heart aches at the thought of this coming to an end
I thought I had found my happily ever after
Now come to find out my happily ever after has to leave
And now we are going to try the long distance thing

When will I see you again?
Will things change while you are gone?
Will our love start to fade?
Most of all will you find another?

The time is coming when we will have to say goodbye
Goodbye till I see you again

I hope I see you again...

3 days..

I'm up in the wee hours of the morning

thinking...

3 days till you are gone

What am I going to do?

I cant even begin to imagine how I am going to feel when we say goodbye

K.L.T (A turning point in our relationship)

It crazy How attached I am to you
and even though I dont spend that much time with you
the time we do spend is amazing

Im so happy when Im with you and the thought of you being far drives me insane

What am I going to do without you
How am I going to make it

You've made feel so different then any other man has
Its just like we click
From the first day it just seemed right
Nothing else seems to fit more then me and you

And Now your leaving
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Im trying to be understanding
Im trying to be happy for you
But I just want to cry

I just want to beg you not to leave
But that would be selfish and I want what is best for you

But how could whats best for you be you being so far from me?
HOW IS THAT BEST?

I need you here with me..
I want you here with me..

The feelings I have for you have grown and grown
into something that I cant explain..
Words couldnt even begin to explain the feelings I feel when Im with you
when you call, when you tell me you love me

It all just seems so right
Like we have been together for years
Like we have been telling each other I love you for a lifetime..

I just wish you didnt have to go

Part of me just wants to fall on the floor and kick and scream
But that wont change that you are leaving
And it sure as hell wont make anything better

Im trying to stay positive that we are going to stay together
Honestly I cant see it any other way
But do you feel the same?

Do you believe in us the same way I believe in us?
I want nothing more then to be with you
Ive never been so content with a relationship in my life..

I've stopped my player ways..
I cant even look at another man without seeing your face and hearing your name

Why? Why? Why?

Why do you have to go?
I know this is a test but..
WHY?

I hope we can make it through this
I promise to be there for you
as long as you let me..

And Im going to try to be understanding
And Im going to give you all my trust
Just please dont break my heart
Dont make me regret doing this..

But honestly I dont think I could regret this
Because I honestly want nothing more then to be with you...

I just wish it didnt have to be this way..

We gotta make it work...

Are you ready?

Please don't make a fool out of me..

I cant take that any longer..

I've told you how I feel; over and over again.

I have opened up to you and your still closed off.

Its not fair to me to give you my all and you give me half.

I love you all the time.. You only love me half the time.

I thought I would never come to this point again

to the point where I would want to be with you and only you.

But here I am... ready.. and you

Your not ready... You say you are but your actions say otherwise.

Your still out talking to other females and telling them you are single.

Its not fair to me.. You say you are going to change but how am I to know?

How can I really trust you again?

Your sorrys don't make it all better..

It wont erase what you have done

and it wont stop me from wondering what you are doing

and if you are lying to me..

Just let me know if your not ready, because I am.

I just cant take being a fool any longer..

If your not going to be true then I will just try and move on.

I've never had a man teach me so much

About me..
About love..

When Im with him he makes me a better person..

My breath gets short
My heart is racing
I've never felt this before
Im truly in love with you
I truly love you

My mind is racing
My hands are sweating
Heat rushes over my body
I need you

I love you

I never would have thought those three little words would bring me to tears
Just the thought of you saying them to me makes my heart race
The tears roll down my cheeks
FINALLY
Your mine
And all that I have been waiting for is here
What I have been longing for
Someone feels the sameway about me that I do them

The thought of losing you breaks my heart
I hope that day never comes
I just want to hold you
and be near you

I love you

Truth and Lies

How do you know when its right
when its real
When he is real


How do you know he wants all of you
and not just half
Not just the part between your legs

How can you tell its not just your insecurities

I Want so bad to believe everything he says
but I find it so hard to trust

I always hear these what ifs and maybes floating around in my head

I just want to know how to separate the truth from the lies

Trust Issues

I never knew what trust issues I had till you

Now I know

and Im sorry

But now I know

I want you and only you

know matter what

and Im ready to tell the world

I hope its not to late

Your the one I want

The one I think of all the time

No one can compare

I just want you to know

My trust issuse is gone

Im all yours

Different

Who is this man I have came across
Im trying to take it slow
But he is making it so hard

The passion that we have between us is amazing
it flows through us and makes us one
I've never felt such passion in my life

For once he is saying all the things that I was always the first to say
and it scares me
I just dont want to mess it up

People talk about my past
how I go from one to another
true
but this one could be different
here to stay
I just dont want to mess it up

Old love

I miss what I always wanted us to be
What I always dreamed of
what I imagined every night

but the reality is it never was
never will be
never could be

it was the perfect love in my mind
my heart yearned for you every night

but it was never returned
you never felt the same way I did
the love was never returned

Love Me

Maybe I should just give up
Maybe its just not my time

(Will it ever be my time)

Im tired of all the games
Im tried of getting played

I need someone who is going to be down for me
Someone who is going to be real

I need someone who isnt going to run at the sign of problems
Nothing will ever work out if you just run

(I've learned that the hard way)

But why cant anyone else seem to see that
Why dosent anyone want to try

I dont give up
I never have

If I find something I want
then I will get it

But maybe its time for me to give up
Maybe I should just give up on love

Maybe I should just put myself first
Forget life long love

(Exactly what I want)

Maybe it is time
Time for me to Love me and no one else

Dont Question Me!

Never thought I would be back to this place
I never thought someone would get to me like this again
But here I am
I don't know what to do with myself
How did I get here
I never would have thought it would turn into this
I'm not even sure how it did

And you keep rubbing it in my face
trying to explain to me why you should mean nothing to me
But I cant help how I feel
The factors do not matter
The facts truly are
I love you
That's it
Everything else doesn't matter
That's how I feel and if you cant handle that then I don't know what to say
But don't tell me how I feel
Or how you expect me to feel because its not fair to me
I've told you how I feel
And you question it over and over again
I dont know what I did to make you think that I dont care
But I do

2 days

I really feel I messed it up big this time
I just want to run and hide
but I cant
its coming
fast
and I gotta face it
but I dont want to
I knew what I was doing when I said yes
but I said it anyway
Why
I knew I couldnt
I have so much I cant do
so much holding me back
so much he doesn't know
so much I want to tell him
I really care
I really do
I wish he knew
Because in a few days he will think otherwise
He will think it was all a lie
My feelings were never a lie
they never will be
He is the one thing that has come along thats is good
and I know its true and real
and I know I want it more then anything
and I haven't done anything but mess it up
just like I always do
I cant do anything about it now
two days from now he will be gone
I can feel him slipping
and I don't know what to do

Your Ganna Know My Name

I've always heard your awkward stage in life is thirteen
Perky Breast, No shape, Not really sure how you feel about boys

But now Im not so sure
nineteen has taken its tole on me

I feel like Im standing on the tip of a mountain
Spinning in circles

What am I going to do with my life
There is so much to do and I feel like I am going no where

How do I get out of this rut, this deep dark whole?
I cant be a nobody!

I need to be, I have to be, I just gotta be a somebody!
Everyone has to know my name!

The Game of Love

Searching
Constantly
Its like my eyes never take a break
And as soon as I spot one
Im in for the kill
Its like I got to have it
Like an addiction
Until I feel its broken
Then I move to the next
Constantly trying to find the perfect one
But it seems so hard
Almost like a game of catch and throw
But sometimes by mistake
I throw something fragile
And the receiver always seems to be careless

The Battle

Trying to complete myself
such a battle
The act of trying to find the one
who makes you feel whole
seems nearly impossible

At the age of 19 I feel like
such an old woman
Ready to settle down
No one my age is ready

Love seems like such an up hill battle
Over the years I've seemed to get so turned off from it.
But yet yearning so much more

I guess its the principle of wanting something you cant have

The Meeting

The whole morning was just a spin
I remember it like it was yesterday

Early morning texts
Checking the time and place

Trying to keep the nerves down
The ride to the subway was the longest

Subway seemed a blur
A goofy smile the whole way

Butterflies in my stomach

A text "Be there in 10"
Made my heart skip a beat

Finally after 5 years

One last phone call before the meet
Where you at?
I dont see you..
There you are! "Click"

A sweet embrace
"Your beautiful"

July 1, 2008

Drugs

such raw emotion running threw my body
cant let it out
I yearn to express it but I dont know how
my body aches with pain needing to let this emotion out
You get under my skin
So deep
Your cute little smile
All your little ways
I need to get rid of you
but I cant
Its the same ole story
your the drug
and Im addicted
And Im dying to go to rehab
How do I get rid of you
I just want to scream
If you would just act right then things would be fine
But You dont
And I dont see it happening

Tribute to my pen and paper

My body and soul has been aching
Aching to get these thoughts out
Im sorry
Sorry for I have been neglecting you
But Not a day Goes by that I dont think about you...

I wont

I dont know why I am stunting you so much
Its plain to see I ment nothing to you
And you had no plans on making anything more of this
but I cant seem to get you off my mind
You told me you wouldnt hurt and yet you did
I just want to talk to you for a minute
to ask some unasked questions
but whats the point?
it wont change anything
You'll still be with her

I just want to let you know
You'll never find anyone like me
You'll never find a woman to treat you the way I treated you
You'll never find someone who wanted you like I wanted you

So good luck with her
I hope you have fun
and when she is done with you
dont come back to me
I wont be here for you anymore

Broken Poet

My spirit has died
my emotions have ran to hide
Words once flew from my mouth
Now have come to a hault
Thoughts constantly run through my mind
But my pencil has seem to of forgot how to write
Everything used to just flow and fit into place
Now more then ever I've realized nothing fits in place
Like a broken puzzle
My words are mangled on the page
Searching for a place
to have a perfect fit

Reasons

Reasons are unknown
Mysterious and full of fate
Everything happens for different reasons
Some reasons are good some are bad
Most are uncontrollable
Sometimes things just happen
And we've got to go with the flow
and try and figure out the
Reasons

Today you told me not to get attached
You might be getting shiped out

and I understand you looking out for me
but I can handle it

I just want to know if you are feeling the same way

If you do leave I'll be able to handle it a lot more
if I know you feel the same way I do

I will wait for you
I'll never leave your side

just gave me the word
and Im there
Im here
not going anywhere

I just know how Im feeling inside
and I never want this feeling to go away

The butterflies you give me are crazy

Looking into your eyes I get lost
and one smile from you
and Im weak in the knees

I just want to be yours
hold me in your arms all night
and sing to me

The music we make
is beautifull
lets just keep making it

So here I am again

And here it goes again...

I seem to fall so fast
one hug
one kiss
and one night spent together

and

Im falling

Why it happenes so fast
I dont know

all I know is here I am again

I've fallin for you
and I love it

Everytime you leave
as soon as you walk out the door
I instantly miss you
almost to the point of tears

I just want to spend all my time with you

So here I am again...

Happened Again.........

At a young age I fell inlove
I gave it my all



My whole heart



exposed myself
and gave all of me



And in return



I learned to keep my guard up
to not let myself be so vulnerable



After my first heartbreak
I told myself I would be stronger

I was doing so good
Not letting anyone get to me

and then..
here you came

Everything happened so fast
I fell



And you told me you would never hurt me
and now..



look where I am
back to where I was



You didnt break my heart
but you broke my trust



You promise it wont happen again
but how can I be so sure?



I love you
I really do..



Its crazy to me
how much I love you



I never thought I would be here again
but here I am



and Im giving you another chance
and Im giving you my heart



Please dont break it..

confused lost lonely

I've faded to this person

Who I thought I'd never be

Someone lost in herself

How I got this way Im not sure
On the outside I look so pulled together

But deep inside Im a mess

Confused

Lost

Lonely

Someone New

My heart is split in half
part of me wants somone new
part of me just wants you

I was so tired of the way you treated me
time after time I cried and said I was done

Here I find myself face to face
with the possibility of someone new

And I hesitate

Thinking of you and how we used to be
wondering if you and me could be

The good times keep me coming back
letting the bad times fade away

I constantly remind myself of why I left

Here I stand next face to face with someone new
and I cant seem to get you off my mind

where

I finally decided your where I want to be


and now...


You dont know where you want to be....

The Phone Call

You called
My heart skipped a beat when I heard the message

As your words flowed over my answering machine
memories of before raced through my mind

All the good came to mind
I found myself wanting to try this all over again

I called

Your voice came over the phone
just as it always had

Smooth and calming
sending chills just like it was the first time

I couldn't help but wonder
why you decided to call after all this time

At first it was just small talk
but my heart couldn't take it anymore

I had to tell him
I missed him

He gave no response
So I just had to ask
why

His answer was just as harsh as it has always been
He acted like he didn't care

Like the only reason he called was just because of boredom.
My heart broke a little all over again

The rest of the conversation was short and quiet
I let him get to me all over again

In a matter of an hour
I was back where I started 5 months ago

I couldn't understand why he would call just to talk

Didn't he miss me
Didn't he care

We hung up the phone
and there I sit

Wondering how a simple phone call
Could break my heart all over again

Kiss Me

I look up to you
You look in my eyes
I can feel the tention
Kiss me

You look down to me
Your eyes penatrate mine
Your lips naturaly poute
Kiss me

The passion I feel
Everytime you come near
the sexual tention is so clear
Cant you feel it?

KISS ME!!

Carefully Constructed Wall

My feelings for you have grown
And I've learned to know
That those feelings aren't returned to me
I'm confused at the thought
that I forgot
to put up that wall
once so carefully constructed
Now in pieces on the ground
My hearts vulnerable
and your easing your way in
My carefully constructed wall
Has begun to fall

We're over

I was holding on to the past
trying to hold us together
But it was a battle I'd never win
We've been together for so long
How could I let go
Your all I've ever known
All I ever dreamed of
But the nights keep getting longer
And the phone calls are getting shorter
How could you let our love die
Together forever
That's what we thought we'd be
And I believed it
Every last word that came out your mouth
And now we're over

I wont take you back

As I look around
so many different people
so many different thoughts
Words are being spoken
But none are really heard
My minds wondering...

Back to you

The last time I saw you
the way I felt
The smile I smiled

and now...

Its all changed
you and me have rearranged
Anger comes over me
you turned your back
Time after time I've taken you back
but not this time
This time you went to far
you cant take it back
I wont take you back

Scared
Lonely
Shaking

I've been waiting Srearching and anticipating
For a new love to come and fill the space you left in my heart

Why do I find myself wanting to talk to you once more
longing to hear your voice on the other end

Dreaming of the love we once had
hoping and wishing it never went away

You never cared

We used to talk everyday
Hours and hours on the phone

You would call just to see how my day went
and tell me you love me

Now I dont hear a word
Not hello or goodbye

You act as if you and me never were

If you love someone how do you just not call
after all I should be the one mad

You cheated one me
I was always good to you

I never lied
I was a good girlfriend

I gave you my all
and now you disrespect me

You treat me like just some girl off the street
I dont want you back
dont get me wrong

But I do still care about you
and it would be nice to hear from you every once ina while

Just to make sure you are ok.
Maybe Im just different then you

Maybe you never really cared.

Four Years of me and you
down the drain

Its been so long since I last seen you
since I last heard your voice

You did me so wrong
but yet my mind always comes back to you

Its so hard for me
I cant seem to let you be a memory

Our love was my every thing
You were my everything

and I was your nothing
I was just another girl to you

How can that be
after four years

How can you just move on and not care?

Thank You

I've been thinking about the past years
And many things have changed in my life

I've grown into a young woman

I'm starting to go down the path of life
I'm stepping out on my own

But there are a couple things that havent changed
Im still the same person, I've just grown

and....You

You've always been there for me
No matter what

Somehow we always seem to find a way
to keep in contact

I've always been there for you
and you've always been there for me

Your always honest,
but yet seem to find the good in me

I thank you for being there
for being my friend

In my life I havent had that many people I can count on
thank you for being one of the few I can.

I love you for that...

You know who you are..

Speechless

Speechless
something I never am
Ive always got something to say
Words have always come in abundance to me
now they have ran short

Speechless
no not me
Ive always got something to say
there are always emotions running through me
always some words to describe how I'm feeling

Speechless
yes that's me
I'm ashamed to say
you've taken my words away

Shattered Frame

An old tattered picture in
a shattered frame

Once so pretty
Shinny and new

Now lays broken
Mangled and bruised

With a torn picture inside
Of us before we said goodbye

Our relationship was new
And time flew

Time moved on
and so did you

Leaving me with
An old tattered picture
And shattered frame

Broken Life

As she sits and
reflects on life

She's reminded of
Pain and Sorrow

A cracked mirror
reflects a broken girl
split in two

Tears stream down her face
She's at her breaking point

She's lost and lonely
And desperately trying to move on
from her broken life

I remember you

I remember it like it was yesterday
Standing outside looking into your eyes
hearing your words
seeing your smile
You looked as if you hadn't a care in the world
Your smile lite up the night

I remember the phone call
The crying on the other end
The words haunt me
He killed him self

I remember sitting there for hours
trying to piece everything together
seeing your face and smile in my mind

How could you be gone so soon?
I just saw you the other day
Why didn't you just speak up
let me know there was something wrong
we could have talked
I would have been there for you

It still hasn't hit me
I'm not sure when it will
maybe one day when I'm riding through Alton
and I don't see you walking by
or I don't hear you call out my name

Your face still runs through my mind
every time I close my eyes, there you are

I remember it like it was yesterday
Standing outside looking into your eyes
hearing your words
seeing your smile
That's how I will always remember you

Calling me

Picturing you

Your face
your lips
your eyes

they are calling me

The physical attraction is almost to much to bare

The whole night is a blur
except for you

I remember you
and the look you gave me

I remember your words
and how you felt

Picturing you

your face
your lips
your eyes

they are calling me

Memory

You moved on like it was nothing

I'm breaking down
I gave in
I shouldn't have called you
My worst nightmare came true

You forgot about me

When I heard your voice I got this chill
The I realized what you said
"Who is this"

My heart dropped
those words ring in my head

How could you just forget

My love couldn't change you
Your heart just wouldn't see

How much I wanted it to be
you and me

You deleted my number
and my memory

How could it be so easy for you
when its so hard for me

I've been waiting

The morning calls
the late night talks

your becoming part of my life

the sweet words
the kind remarks

everything about you warms my heart

I've been waiting for so long
for someone like you

this one has to be right
together this just might

Be what I've been waiting for

Sharp Turn

The world around me seems to be slipping
Or maybe its me

Everything is closing in on me
Why could this be

I have built this life on what I wanted it to be
or maybe

Maybe this is just another task
for everyone to see
I can be what they want me to be

Ive enclosed myself in this life
always afraid of change

hoping and wishing
things would just stay the same

Inevitable change has came may way
and I'm shaking at the thought

My life is taking a sharp turn
and I cant make it stop

I hate this!!

I hate this kind of feeling
knowing you are in the wrong
and there is nothing you can do to change it

I hate regretting something I did
knowing that I made a wrong decision
knowing I hurt you

Somehow I wish I could make this better
but Im not so sure I know how
Ive said sorry

thats about all I can do

I Messed up

What was I thinking?
You never deserved me acting that way
Although I never planned to do what I did
I still did it
And theres nothing I can do to change that
Ive said sorry
thats all I can do
I wish you would forgive me
I really want to keep trying at this
Your a good person
I know
You never deserved this
Im so sorry Ive treated you this way
My heart is beating at the thought
I Messed up
I hate this

Who are you to think?

who are you to think
You can just come back to me

Thinking I cant sleep
when your not there with me

Who are you to think
I'd just let you back in

No hesitation
no questions asked

Who are you to think
You're worth all that

My life has moved on
including my heart

Who are you think
you can just come back to me

I tried so hard

Why I wasted a year of my life on you I don't know
I was so sure you would come around
that my time and patience would change your mind
but you cant love the one who doesn't want to be loved

I tired so hard
to be the one

I thought I'd be ok with us just as friends
but I was wrong
When you told me you were with her
I snapped
How could you want to be with someone else
I gave you everything you asked for and more

I tired so hard
to be the one

Wish things were different
I wish you could see
just how much I want it to be
just you and me
But you wont let me in
and I cant try anymore

I tired so hard
to be the one

I was hoping one day you would see
that I could be
everything you wanted
all that you desired
but you just wont let me

I tired so hard
to be the one

Thinking of you day and night
Im scared because Im starting to fall

Im longing to hold you
Wishing and hoping you feel the same way too

Is it ok

Is it ok

that Im falling.......

Falling in love with you

The way you make me smile with one little word

Is it ok

That Im hoping we can be

more then just friends

Im hoping you are feeling the same way to

Is it ok

that Im falling.....

falling in love with

wishing and hoping that you are feeling the same way too

Is it ok

Getting used to you

Every night we've been talking
talking about all we are going to do

I could get used to you

You make me laugh
I'm starting to feel the way I haven't in a long time

I could get used to you

Butterflies in the stomach
Beating of the heart

I could get used to you

I'm starting to fall
its so soon to say...but feelings are arriving

I could get used to you

Hopefully this one can be right
maybe you can be the one

because I'm starting to get used to you

To my new friends...

Sudeep

I told you I would post something for you....so here it is...

I had a good time talking with you...

Hope to do it again sometime..

And to all the others....

feel free to e-mail me sometime so we can keep in touch..

And dont forget to read all my poetry and tell me what you think of it on Tuesday when I see you all.


here is a poem for you all....


You'll Stay in My heart

Every memory
Every word

Just another peice of history written in our book

The smiles
The laughs

Will never be forgotten

You'll stay in my heart
You'll stay in my mind

Hoping that one day you just might be mine

Maybe we might meet again
Maybe we will become good friends

The time has come we must go our seperate ways
but..

You'll stay in my heart
You'll stay in my mind

Everything I am going to be

Some how my life has seem to turn
into this whirl wind

Whipping and twirling

Changing at the last minute
Last second..

Not knowing whats going to happen

So much to look forward to
so little time...

Im about to take a big step
into my future...

On my own

thats something I have been dreaming of
since I was a little girl

And it has finally come

Its so close I can taste it
and feel it...

Im trying to take a grasp

On everything I am,
all that I was

and turn it into
everything I am going to be

Our lil thing

After a year of us doing our lil thing

I mean nothing to you?

I thought for sure you weren't just like the rest

Guess I was wrong!

I should of cut you off a long time ago

But I told myself you weren't like that

I told myself you would start to care

That maybe one day you would see

That I wanted to be there for you

I could feel it all along

You just wouldn't let me in

And then when you told me she was back in your life

I knew it was all over

but I fell for your sweet lies again and again

But it took me seeing it with my own eyes

to really see how I don't deserve this

and you don't deserve me

After all I did for you

all the nights I listen to your problems

I was there for you but you weren't there for me

I was sure if I showed you I cared

you'd start to care about me

Guess I was wrong!

I was sure you weren't like the rest...

And I still ment nothing to you

After a year of us doing our lil thing

Love's a hard Subject

Love has always been a hard subject for me

Fell in love once and haven't been the same since
he broke my heart and changed me forever

Loves always been hard for me

Since him many men have come and gone
never really giving them a chance to know the real me

Loves always been hard for me

Scared of being hurt again
scared of being lonely

Loves always been hard for me

Every time I think I'm ready
Love seems to prove me wrong

Loves always been a hard subject for me

Not my dad or my father

No words can describe
how I feel about you

You hurt me repeatedly
and dont even care

How can you treat someone you are supposed to love this way
Your own flesh and blood

It kills me to know
that I dont even cross your mind

and time after time
I cry

thinking it was me
maybe Im in the wrong

But you choose her over me
way to many times

She speaks to me disrespectfully
and you disregard it

And dont get me started on him
He isnt even your son

You treat him like King
And me like the step daughter

You made me
not him

I loved you more then anything
his love for you could never compare

And yet you dont give a damn about me

You lie
to everyone about me

Im always made out to be the bad one
but little do you know

the whole family knows
how you treated me

They saw it with their own eyes

I give up
You made me come to this point

You arent my dad or my father

Time Flys by...

The days and the years have seem to just flow by
Constantly moving

Time stops for no one
it takes no breaks

It seems just like yesterday
I was running around in a diaper

Now I'm grown
and out on my own

One word describes my life
FAST

I look back and it flew by

So many memories
and not enough time to explain them

Sorry Father

Sorry Father

Im sorry I couldnt be who you wanted me to be
Im sorry that you couldnt be there
Im sorry you picked her over me
Im sorry that it is so hard for you to see that she is the reason you think so less of me
But most of all Im sorry that you missed out on me

Sorry Father
maybe one day you can forgive me for the mistakes YOU made

Yes I have changed

What I used to be..?

Innocent
Naive
dependent
shy
inconfident

What I am today..?

Independent
Smart
Outgoing
Confident

You say Ive changed
well yes I have
I'm glad to say so
Unlike you
I have grown
into a woman

Change isn't always bad
as long as you stay true to yourself

I'm happier with myself
I'm proud of who I am

I just wish that you could see the good in me
and feel the same way I do

Im saying goodbye

Going through alot right now
and you couldnt even be here for me

You turned your back
when I needed you most

Just like everyone eles
you just dont care

Your so selfish

Im always there for you
no matter what

and you couldnt even talk to me

Your just like everyone eles
you use me

Your only there when you want to be

Ive never turned my back on you
but now the time has come

Im saying goodbye

The way it is

back and forth
back and forth

I hate the way we have become

I've changed
You've changed

dose it really matter

who dose what
who said what

I miss the way we used to be
how in love we were

I hate to through away what we had

but we had it
and lost it

Im holding onto the past
hoping it will come back

but Ive already moved on

Im on a new road in my life
and so are you

I know we care about one another

but its over
it has been for a while

wish it wasnt this way

but this is the way it is

Words

Words

A constant part of my life

Keeping me going day by day

Always there to be expressed

even at the darkest night

Somehow never letting me down

Never leave me lonely

always here to keep me sane

Words

They save me from being silent

the type I hate

Like food and water

I need my daily doze

Constantly in my life

day and night

keeping me away from fright

Words

they are my savior

without them I might die

because when I am alone

Ive always got

Words

Wishing and Wondering

Searching for the right words
has never been hard for me

Until now

So many thoughts
floating around in my head

Yet none come out

My minds always wondering
thinking of all the fondaling

Trying to remember exactly how it went

Wanting to replay it over and over in my head
Just keeps me going through the day

Tossing and turning in the night

This keeps me up all night
wishing and wondering

With Her

As I pour my heart down onto this page
My stomach starts to jump at the thought

You could be with her

Always on my mind
all the possibilities are killing me

You could be with her

Ive tried and tried to get you to see
just how much you mean to me

You could be with her

And you've told me time and time again
I don't have time for a girlfriend

And now your with her

I didn't see this one coming
I had no idea you were this way

And now your with her

Now my heart is breaking
my body is shaking

And your with her....

Desire

Listening to music
as the time flows by

Trying to get my mind off you
Nothing seems to work

I'm having a hard time
letting go of you

Everything you did
everything you said

It was everything thing I ever wanted
All that you were was what I desired

And you cant seem to understand
I want to be everything you desire

Its time

Day by day
it seems to get harder and harder

Constant questions in my mind
Why did you do this

I cant seem to understand
Where it all went wrong

Frustrated
and confused

Wishing and hoping
one day you'll come back

Heat rushes over my body
I cant take anymore

On the virge of crying
day after day

And you just don't care...

Its time
I've got to let go

Using Me

I think about this everyday
You just turned and walked away
Leaving behind those worthless words
You tried to make this seem right
But I looked past your words
and saw the light
You'd been see though all this time
but I was blinded by the light
Now I see what you really were
Using me until the time was right
I let this go way to far
the lust and love hypnotize
I cant help but wonder
Why you did this to me
It make me cry just to think
I actually thought we could be
More then just a late night call
You were everything I wanted yet nothing at all
But now I see
You were just using me

Ive Been Waiting

Feeling lost
no love around

When is mine coming
Ive been waiting

Trying to let fate kick in
but dosent seem like its ganna happen

I used to have someone
I tought I'd spend my life with

but we've both changed
and grew apart

Feeling lost
no love around

when is mine coming
Ive been waiting

I thought I had found someone
He is everything I want in a man

But he dosent want to be with me
says he dosent have time

But he always finds time to come
when he needs to see me

Feeling lost
no love around

When is mine coming
Ive been waiting

Nameless Names

She's got her list of nameless names
Only 17 and so many to count,
but none to really remember

Many know her physically
but none know her truely

She's done so much in such a short period
With no love to show from a man

None of which she still speaks to
All of which have already forgot about her

She was looking in all the wrong places for love
Trying to fill that void in her heart; still unfilled

Looking for love in the arms of a man has never been the way to go
Yet she still tries

With hopes to someday find that man
who will look beyond her big booty and grey eyes

Im breaking down

Im not sure how much longer I can go without knowing why? Im trying to respect his wishes and not bother him, but its killing me daily not knowing why?

Why is a question that is asked daily? And an answer that is often never heard.

Im breaking down

Just some thoughts in my head

So yesterday I recieved an e-mail from the guy I have been seeing for a year now saying "I dont think we should see or speak for a while. I am going through something right now. The reason is that I cant just talk to you without being physical." those are the exact words!

I dont understand why. Why would he say he cant speak or see me anymore? Is it something I did or said. What exactly is he going through? And how could he tell me this over an email? Seriously, thats messed up. Im so confused. I just dont get it. I saw him less then two weeks ago and everything was fine. I talked to him the other day and everything was fine. And then I get this!! He said you cant speak to me without being physical, when did I say we couldnt be?? I just dont understand why. He needs to give me a reason as to why.

Ok so no offence to the guys who read this. But why do guys do this? Or should I say why do people do this? A lot of people seem to beat around the bush. Why cant you just come right out and say what you mean. I mean he could of at least told me a real reason as to why he dosent want to speak for a while.

He wasnt you

I spent the night with another
I was thinking something other
then the fact that he wasn't you

We laughed
We flirted
but he wasn't you

He pulled me close
rubbed my back
did anything to touch me

We laughed
We flirted
but he wasn't you

The conversation flowed
music played in the background
but all the time you face appeared in my mind

We laughed
We flirted
but he wasn't you

As we layed there
he was touching me, caressing me
I felt like I betrayed you

We laughed
We flirted
but he wasn't you

As the sun came up
so did I to find he had left me
to think of you

We laughed
We flirted
but he wasn't you

I sat there listening to him
in the other room on the phone
and wished, I'd spent the night with you

We laughed
We flirted
but he wasn't you

Although you and me aren't together
I still feel like I cheated because...

We laughed
We flirted
but..

He will never be you

What she dosent know

You've been tryin to get at me
Always tryin to holla

-But she's always around

Callin me on the phone
Blowin me kisses

-But what ya girl dont know is you feelin me

Askin me to come over
sayin we need to spend sometime

-But what ya girl dont know is you feelin me

The sexy stares you give
sayin my body look good to you

-But what ya girl dont know is you feelin me

Tellin me she aint home
to come on over

-What ya girl dont know is you feelin me

My secret Passion

I had him
right where I've been wanting him
he was about to be mine

I was dreaming of this day
waiting to get close

Feeling his hands touching my body
Felt so right but was so wrong

He kissed me
He touched me

It took all I had to pull back
I didnt let it go to far
It had already went far enough

I stood their thinking
"You've been waiting for this,
Go for it"

But I just left
And now Im stuck with this lingering
memory that just wont fade

feelin you

So Im feelin this guy
I dont really know him

And he dosent know me
but theres's something about him
that just gets me

he is so funny
always makes me laugh

He seems intrested
and Im intrested too

And there I stood...

There I stood
by myself

So much commotion around me
so many people moving

But I stood still
staring in disbelief

My eyes had to be lying
this couldn't be true

All that I thought I had
just walked away from me

As I watched them hug
her smile and his

they told me everything
I ever needed to know

he wasn't mine
he never was

she's always had his heart
and always will

I guess that's what happens
when you fall for someone
who never even looked in your eyes

Fool for you

In such a short period of time
you've made me feel so much rage

You've played your little game
and I let you each time

but this time I thought would be different
I thougt you might be mine to keep

But I was wrong

She came back into your life
and you went running

You left me standing there dumb founded
not knowing what just happend

I felt like such a fool

Forget about me

I was sucked in
by your smooth walk
and your sweet talk

I was blind to see
that you really didnt want me
I was just for passing time

Once she came back I should of known
you'd forget about me
and leave me be

The first time I saw you two together
broke my heart

You pretended you didnt even see me
like you never even knew me

but once she left
you were back to me
trying to be with me

You didnt even wait a second
once she turned her back
you came straight to me

I should of known it would be like this
Once she came back
You'd forget about me

No more!!

I can feel you trying to ease your way back in
Calling me daily
being so sweet

But news to you..
we are through
Im not letting you come back in

Ive finally started to move on
and Im not going to let you bring me down

You've been trying to play on my emotions
trying to bring out the jealousy in me

but your not coming back in

girl needs to slow down

Here she goes again
making her move

She told herself she'd slow down
but she picking up the pace again

She is being a little to easy going
letting a little to much happen

Rut

Sometimes I feel there is so much going on around me
and Im doing nothing

I feel like I have been in this rut
not going anywhere and no way to get out

Trying to better myself day by day
and feeling like I have yet to change

Doing the same thing over and over
its got to get old

Someday you have to change
but it seems so hard.

Hard to move and hard to bare
staying the same day by day

its got to end

How you make me feel (ZR)

I see you everyday
those eyes hypmotize me

Your voice is so deep
makes my knees weak

When you touch me
inside I scream

I cant take it
you make me want to cream

To feel you near
thats what I want

Your such a flirt
I see it in your eyes

But something tells me
you dont tell lies

I think you like me
I can feel it when your around

the attraction we have
keeps me off the ground

Someday I'll have you
I just hope it soon

I dont know how much longer
I cant take it without you